10 posts tagged “religion”

One of my favorite bits, the late great George Carlin on religion:

I think I found out why one cleaning ladies gives me the side-eye, when I say hell. She thinks I'm a godless heathen. Or at least that's what the reading material she left in the handicapped my stall leads me to believe. It's about a clumsy arsonist nearly done in by his own dirty work, but before he dies he given the option of heaven or hell. Shit, once you nearly burned to death, I wouldn't think the latter option would be that bad.

Scream

The funny thing is I was just thinking about these little fundamentalist cartoon tracts the other day. Well, I was thinking about the one that stuck with me the most, which had something to do with an abused child who is tossed out by his father, and dies. But luckily he finds the love of  God before he draws his last breath (Found it! Yay!  Aww).

Image from Hard Time

When I was younger,  I usually found them in the restaurant and gas station bathrooms. I was just reading up on  Jack Chick, the cartoonist behind the tract, and his views on abortion, homosexuality, Catholicism, Mormonism and Africa. So I could understand why they've disappeared and I don't see them as much as I used to living in Carolina-- not that I friggin' miss them. It's just nice to look back on things that nearly  scarred you  as a  child and get a chuckle of them now.

Winston-Salem Journal | Baptists oust church over gay members

http://www.journalnow.com/servlet/Sat...

Myers Park Baptist Church, which has 1,970 members, became the first to be kicked out under rules approved at last year's meeting. Those rules say that any Baptist church that affirms or endorses homosexual behavior would be considered out of line with the convention.

Here's the church's statement of response:

Damn. I'm  trying to think of something witty to respond to the following ("It's tight, but it's right." Well, honey, at least we agree on at least one thing.), but I think that spirit of retardation has got a holt of me.  And I think it's that spirit that's me confused as to exactly what a "pacade" is? (spotted on omg blog)

Little Orphan Annie

And to clear away to cobwebs(of hate) and sorrow(of ignorance) please sing along with me:

    "She's coming in tonight," M told me, about an hour before his mom was at our door with her twin sister and M's nephew, little M, in tow. Little M likes me a bit more than he likes M. That's because M is the disciplinarian and I let him get away with murder. You wanna jump up and down on the ottoman, little buddy?  Have at it!  I didn't expect them so soon. If M's mother and sister had had their way, we wouldn't have been expecting them at all. However, word filtered through the family grapevine that they intended on surprising M with a visit. One of  M's cousin made a call to their mother to tell her that she and her sister might want to take me into consideration, before rolling down from Pittsburgh on the sly. I appreciate the courtesy, but I'm more than happy to have them over.  And hell, it still turned out to be somewhat of surprise with their early arrival. I expected them on Friday, but here they were in Maryland on Thursday evening.  No worries.

    The family visit I'm more concerned about is the one scheduled for next week. My mom is coming up for the Mavis Staples' concert. It her first visit here. Like mother, like son, she already putting together her look for the show and asked me the other day, "I ain't got to wear nothing too dressy do I? Just a regular Sunday outfit will do?"  This is just a regular Sunday outfit for her. But I couldn't get all Andre Leon Talley on her and say, "Miss Thing, that's a bit extra. You don't even have to give me that,"  because . . . 

To be continued for folks in the 'hood, because this turned into a far bigger beast than I intended it to.

Superbad Still-- Evan (Michael Cera) & Seth (Jonah Hill)

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This morning I saw a tow truck with "Hooked Up On Jesus" written across the side of its tow bed. It reminded me of the fact that I prayed and made a deal with God on Saturday. It was right after I left a showing of Superbad. No, the raunchy and hilarious teen sex comedy rife with homoerotic subtext didn't put me in a religious mood. Well, it kinda did. It reminded me of the shame I felt during adolescent years, when sexual awareness came into conflict with my religious upbringing. It also reminded me that  a lot like Seth (Jonah Hill) in the movie, I was the fat kid in love with his high school best friend who resorted to phony overblown heterosexual bravado and smuggled in copies of Oui   for us to ogle over during  the lunch period. All of it was done in attempts  to cover up my gayness.

Added to evocation of old somewhat painful(ly funny) memories, I also felt ashamed of thinking about what a "fun, sexy time"  I could have with little George Michael Bluth now that he's all growed up. I got a thing for nebbish fellows. So, um, yeah. There was that. However, I think the reason I decide to reconnect with my spirituality  in the movie theater parking lot was because the last time I went there was for an early Sunday showing of Harry Potter (mmm . . . Harry. Don't even let me get started on Daniel Radcl-- Hold on, Chris Hansen's knocking on my door with transcripts of my IMAGINARY chats with  Zac Efron ),  a church was having service in one of  the theaters. Like I said, it was early Sunday morning-- after a late Saturday night. The church had coffee carafes So there was serious internal conflict about recommitting my soul to Christ for a cup of joe or world of wizards and witchery. Hogwarths won out.

Black Betty's Sister "The Model"

This Saturday, I needed more out of God than a cup of caffeine. I needed him to pop open Black Betty's hood and fix what was ailing her. Her "Service Engine Soon" light popped on Friday night. M figured that she probably was way due for dialysis (an oil change), but he wanted to take her to Ford dealer to make sure it wasn't something else. Something else we couldn't afford to fix at the moment. So that had me on edge. The money's a bit thin until the new season starts and M promotion and pay raise kicks in when school starts back up. Hoping that it was the best case scenario rather than the worst, I took Black Betty to Jiffy Lube. They changed her oil, but her warning light was still lit. I figured that she just needed to get her blood circulating a bit and a trip to the movies would help her do that.  The movie ended, I went out and cranked her up. The light was still on and that's when I started bargaining with God. The engine light went out on Sunday-- and of course, I forgot what I promised the Big Dude(dudette or whatever you wanna call 'em) in return. My first born? A trip to church? Be a bit nicer to my fellow man?

If it was the last one, I paid my minimum balance due yesterday. I stopped at the grocery store to buy smokes. And I was shamed into only buying one pack, because the woman working the register is the one that always gets on me about smoking . Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear all you nonsmokers, "If you don't care about yourself and your lungs, at least someone else does." I care. It's just a hard habit to break when you grew up in North Carolina in a little village whose biggest employer is R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company. Of course, I got over the provincialism of the area. So I don't know why the coffin nails are a harder hurdle to cross. "Jumping hurdles is kinda hard when you're out of breath? and exhausted."  Anyhow, the last time I went to the grocery store,  I had to float a check and the cashier noticed that my middle name was a Elijah (a important prophet across the boards). When I asked for my cigarettes yesterday, she tried a different tact by appealing to my religious sensibilities.

"Are you Christian or Muslim?" she asked. 

"My Dad (mumble mumble)," I said.

"Neither?"

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism. agnosticism 92% Satanism 92% Islam 71% atheism 67% Buddhism 50% Paganism 50% Judaism 38% Christianity 29% Hinduism 21% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

I'm an unrepentant preacher's kid. So it figures.